House M.D. Series Quotes, Season 1


Dr. Robert Chase: It's a tumor.
Dr. Gregory House: And the big green thing in the middle of the bigger blue thing is an island.


Dr. Gregory House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House, you can call me Greg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. Gregory House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will.
Dr. Gregory House: That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. This is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
Dr. Gregory House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
Dr. Gregory House: Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.


Dr. Gregory House: No fever, glands normal. Missing her vaccination dates.
Mother: We're not vaccinating.
Dr. Gregory House: Think they don't work?
Mother: I think some multinational pharmaceutical company wants me to think they work. Pad their bottom line.
Dr. Gregory House: Mmmm. May I?
Mother: Sure.
Dr. Gregory House: Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit.
Dr. Gregory House: All natural, no dyes. That's a good business - all-natural children's toys. Those toy companies, they don't arbitrarily mark up their frogs. They don't lie about how much they spend in research and development. The worst a toy company can be accused of is making a really boring frog. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die then cough up 40 bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop *really* fast. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit.
Mother: Tell me what she has.
Dr. Gregory House: A cold.

1 comment:

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